A C,
an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't
serve minors."
So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and
the G have an open fifth between them. After a few
drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat. An
F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is
not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads
straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll
just be a second."An A comes into the bar, but the
bartender is not convinced that this relative of C
is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat
hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out
now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar
tonight."The E-flat, not easily deflated,
comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit
with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to
have a nice corporate job until his company downsized)
says, "You're
looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a
major development." This proves to be the case, as
the E-flat takes off the suit - and everything else
- and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers
up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing
to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10
years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional
facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent
of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations
to the contrary are bassless. The
bartender decides, however, that since he's only had
tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom,
and everything has become alto much treble, he needs
a rest -- and closes the bar. |
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You Asked For It So...... You Got IT !!! (Rim
Shot Please)
|
Q: What do you call a
musician with a college degree?
A: Night manager at McDonalds.
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a guitarist's car?
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says
before he gets kicked out of a band?
A: "When do we get to play MY songs?"
Q: How do you get a guitarist off of your
porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.
Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
A: His amp. |
Q: What is the difference
between a punk rock guitar player and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: What's the difference between a dead
chicken in the road, and a dead guitarist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to
a gig.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar
and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.
Q: What's the difference between a folk
guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD
missile and a bad guitar player?
A: A bad guitarist can kill you.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that
only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How many bass players does it take to
pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn
his amp down?
A: Put a piece of sheet music in front of him. |
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Q: How do you get a guitar player to
turn his amp off?
A: Put notes on the sheet music!
Q: Why are guitarist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding
drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
Q: What do all great conductors have in
common?
A: They're all dead.
Q: What do a guitar and a lawsuit have
in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: How many guitar players does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: None - they'd get their girlfriend to do it.
Q: How many guitar players does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Q: What was the epitaph on the blues player's
gravestone?
A: "I didn't wake up this mornin'..."
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at
your door?
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to
come in.
Definition of a Relative Minor: a Bass
player's girlfriend.
Q: What do you call a guitar player without
a girlfriend?
A: Homeless! |
Three guys are sitting in a bar:
Guy #1: "Yeah I make $75,000 a year, after taxes."
Guy #2: "What do you do for a living?"
Guy #1: "I'm a stockbroker. How much do you make?"
Guy #2: "I should clear $60,000 this year.
Guy #1: "What do you do?
Guy #2: "I'm an architect."
The third guy has been sitting there quietly,
staring into his beer, when the other two turn to him.
Guy #2: "How much do you make per year?"
Guy #3: "Gee...uh...I guess about $13,000." Guy
#1: Oh yeah? What kind of strings do you use?"
"A Guitarist dies and goes to Heaven"
A guitarist dies and goes
to heaven. There he is greeted at the pearly gates by St.
Peter, who says, "Oh, you're going to love it here. We
have Marshall stacks in all of the practice rooms, every
guitar you can imagine, and we have jam sessions here every
night until 4 a.m. Everybody's here: Jimi Hendrix, Stevie
Ray Vaughn, John Bonham, Randy Rhoads, Duane Allman, Keith
Moon, Bon Scott, Jim Morrison...You'll love it!" The guitarist
replies, "That sounds great. But tell me, is Yngwei here?"
St. Peter hesitates and reluctantly answers, "No I'm afraid
Yngwei didn't make it up here. He went somewhere else, if
you know what I mean. Besides, his attitude wouldn't fit
through the gates. But you must be tired," he says, returning
to a smile, "so check into your practice room and I'll see
you later."
So the guitarist finds his way to the practice
room and starts unpacking. From the next room he hears
the familiar neoclassical strains of a heavy - metal shredder.
As he listens more closely, he realizes that it sounds
exactly like Yngwei. He walks back to St. Peter at the
gate and says, "I thought you said that Yngwei wasn't here." St.
Peter replies, "That's correct, he isn't." |
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The guitarist shrugs and returns to
his room. Again he hears the clean-picked harmonic minor
scales and tight-voiced thirds whizzing by at a 32nd-note
clip. He even hears the melody line to "Black Star." Bewildered, he goes back yet again to St.
Peter. "Look I know I heard Yngwei in the next room," he insists. "If
that's not Yngwei in the next room then who is it?"
St. Peter glances around, making sure no one else is listening,
then pulls the guitarist close and says under his breath,
"The guy in the next room? That's
GOD. He thinks HE's Yngwei Malmsteen!" Bada Bing
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