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Most Blues begin with "Woke up this mornin'."
- It is usually bad to start the Blues with "Got
a good woman" unless you stick something mean in the
next line. Example: "Got a good woman with the
meanest dog in town."
- Blues are simple. After
you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something
else that rhymes.
Sort of. Example: "Got a good woman with the meanest
dog in town...oh, yeah!...
Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and he weigh 'bout 500 pound."
- Blues cars are Chevys, Cadillacs, and
broke down trucks circa 1957.
- Other acceptable Blues transportation
are a Greyhound bus or a "southbound train."
Note: A BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, mini-van, or sport utility
vehicle is NOT a Blues car.
- "Walkin' " plays a major part
in the Blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die" and "findin'
a good woman."
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Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Only
Adults Sing The Blues.
- Adulthood, when it comes to the Blues, means
old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
Memphis.
- You can have the Blues in New York City or Los Angeles
but not in New Haven or Phoenix. Hard times in Vermont or North
Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and
Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues, but
Abilene, Mobile, and New Orleans are ok in a pinch.
- The following
colors do NOT belong in the Blues: antique violet, champagne,
mauve, taupe, and peach.
- Blues is not a matter of color, however.
Tiger Woods can't sing the blues; Sonny Liston can.
- You can't
have the Blues in an office building or a shopping mall; the
lighting is all wrong. Other bad places for the Blues: Kmart,
gallery openings, and the supermarket.
- Good places for the Blues:
a jail house, your mama's back porch, beside the highway, bottom
of a rot-gut whiskey glass, or a solitary room in a fleabag
hotel.
- No one will believe it's the Blues if you
wear a suit or anything by Ralph Lauren. (Unless your name
happens to be BB, Albert or Diddily)
Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
- Your first name is a southern
state. Example: Georgia
- You're blind
- You shot a man in Memphis.
- You work for THIS Magazine
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No, if:
- You're deaf
- Anyone in your family drives a
BMW
- You have a trust fund.
- Yanni, Julio Iglesias, and Barbara
Streisand may not sing the Blues. Ever.
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If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's
the Blues. Other Blues beverages are:
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- Malt Liquor
- Irish Whiskey
- Muddy Water
- Thunderbird Wine
- One Bourbon, One Scotch, and One Beer.
At the same time.
Blues beverages are NOT:
- Mai-Tai
- Chardonnay
- Fuzzy Navel or Slippery Nipple
- Yoo Hoo (all
flavors)
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If it occurs in a cheap motel
or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
- Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover
is also a Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, Demon
Rum, or drugs.
- It is NOT a Blues death if you die during a
liposuction treatment or on account of being denied treatment
in an emergency room.
Some Blues Names
for women:
- Sadie, Louise, Bessie, and Baby.
- Women's names which are NOT Blues
names: Heather, Jennifer, Emily, and Alexandra.
Some Blues Names
for men:
- Joe, Willie, Papa Joe, Papa Willie,
Willie Joe, Hank, and Po' Boy.
- Men's names which are NOT Blues
names: Geoffrey, Damian, and Keith (maybe Keith).
- Persons with names like Sierra,
LaToya, Tyreah or Sequoia will NOT be permitted
to sing the Blues, no
matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
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Need a Blues Name? Try this mix and match starter kit.
- Name of physical infirmity (Blind,
Asthmatic, etc.) or character flaw (Dishonest, Low Down,
etc.)
- Or substitute name of a fruit (Lemon, Fig,
Persimmon); or use first -and- fruit names
- Finish with the last name of President
(Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Low Down Persimmon Johnson; One-Handed Fig Fillmore.
Need a Blues instrument?
Play one or more of the following and
alternate with husky voice riffs:
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- sax
- pie-anner (in need of tuning)
- fill in the blank...
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Now - you're ready to sing
the Blues! Unless you own a computer.
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