The B List

I'm A People Watcher. When I go out I tend to settle in at a spot where I can watch as much of the place as possible. People crack my ass up. Seems like every place you go has certain types of patrons. Of course we all know the obvious. Frat boys, young, drunk, and loud, pounding pitcher. Metalheads doing the head bob/arm pump or that half skip around in a circle banging into one another, and the regulars. They know the entire staff and greet them heartily when they come in. Their drink is already poured and they have "their" stool. I call them Norms. And of course Stick and Jane. The neurotic model with a head full of dust and her average Jane girlfriend brought along to make sure Ms. No Personality gets all the attention. These types are all well and good but I've found others that are much more interesting to watch.

The Drunk
You've seen this guy. I don't care what time you arrive, he's already shitfaced. You do your best to avoid him, but when you have to actually say something to him like "Hey that's my beer" , he just looks at you, unable to form a sentence. The drunk stumbles around, sloshing beer on anyone unlucky enough to be nearby. He usually stumbles out to a cab or his bike before midnight. Never gets laid due to a perpetual case of "Whiskey Dick". Oddly enough the female version arrives at midnight, already drunk, of course. Easily spotted near closing walking around with the back of her dress stuck in her panty hose and toilet paper streaming from her shoe. Usually carried out by two happy frat boys. Always gets laid. Never remembers by who.

The Stripper
It's Candy's night off and she has decided to grace us with her presence. Candy has also decided that she wants to dance, and since she's probably with the non-dancing musician she supports she'll be going it alone. Get your dollars out, people, it's show time! Bumping, grinding, and even an occasional back bend are on the agenda. I've got a question. Why can't dancers dance? I've yet to see one that can. I take that back. They all seem to know The Two Step While I Stare At The Band thing they do, I suppose scouting out one that might cost them less but beyond that a pole and a dollar seem to be a necessity.

The Boyfriends
The boyfriends are the ones that insist on sitting at the bar every night their girlfriends work there. Guarding over their women like hawks, they rarely talk to any one else except to make sure everyone knows who's property Bambi is. Usually jealous, they can often be seen bitching at their girlfriends for speaking to men beyond the initial drink order. They are often times leeches, and rarely tip. Ends up screwing the beer tub girl.

The Gaggle
Like geese, a lot of women travel in a gaggle. They call each other before going out planning coordinating outfits, and ride to the club together. As a matter of fact they do almost everything together. Trips to the restroom need not be a lonely thing. Often spotted with more then one gaggler in a stall. When the bands starts they dance together and by nights end bound together in some sort of drunken daisy chain. They are seen holding hands as they weave their way out, where they will hold each others hair up as they throw up and break down, hugging and crying over their beautiful friendship.

The Dog Pack
Male version of The Gaggle. They also travel together, the driver the only one without a D.U.I. You can spot the dog pack easily, low-brow humor and high alcohol intake are the obvious traits. They usually limit communication to those in the pack, where they convince each other that they are hot commodities. They also frequent tittie bars, where they are convinced the attention they receive is genuine,

The Loners
Comes in alone, has a few drinks alone, departs alone. I don't know shit. I leave them alone.

The Drama Club
Usually a group of friends, married couples and the like. They seem happy enough, then, somewhere, somehow, something goes terribly wrong. Girl A gets in a fight with man A. because she thinks he was flirting with girl C. Girl A runs in bathroom where Girl B follows and becomes the messenger. She comes out, telling Man A what Girl A says, man C catches the conversation and asks Man A what the fuck is going on? Man A says that since Girl A doesn't trust him he might as well fuck Girl B or C, and if man C didn't like it maybe he should tell woman C to keep her hands off him. Girl B goes to the bathroom too, telling A and C what just happened. Man A has left after men B and C threaten to kick his ass if he doesn't leave and sober up. Girl A asks girl C why the fuck she was flirting with man A in the first place, and Man C says if that s the way it is maybe he should go with Girl A. Girl and man B take girl A home, Man C leaves and Girl C becomes the drunk.

There are others
"The Stud", that actually uses the term "babe" when speaking to you, "The Leftovers", usually old guys that came in for their 5 O'Clock Manhattan and never left, "The Sharks", the guys that come in with custom sticks in fancy leather cases and never do anything but play pool, badly. "The Dealers" gold chain wearing fellows with phones permantly attached to their ears that leave for 5 minutes 40 times a night, and "The Swingers", couples that come in and ask if you'd like to join them at their house for a "little party". "Mr. Mullet". Particularly troubling. With all the press you'd think they would have figured out by now that their do is a running joke. I saw a an exceptional one other day. Hair down to his waist and the short, top part hairsprayed into place. Swear to God. I called this the B list because these types often seem to escape notice. Like the fat girl with Ms. Implant a Personality, please, they run second string to the flashier attention craving others. They are a vital part of the scene though, if you think them nothing more then fill material. To me they are the underlying current, the second string of entertainment that keeps me interested, often saving a club from becoming The Dead Zone.