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Here are 10 Reasons You’ll Give Me To Hate Your Band
Listed in no particular order. I’m sure there’s more but here are 10.

Call me a hater. Call me an old fuck. Call me whatever the hell you want but ya know what? It’s my website and I can hate what I want to. When it comes to not liking a band, I’ve pretty much come to realize that there are certain criteria points that bands meet that pretty much have me saying, “There’s a 97% chance I’m going to hate this band.” Now don’t get all up in arms here because as you know, at the end of the day I never blow a band off without hearing their music first. There have been exceptions to the rule where a band might meet one or two of these key points but manage to make me a fan by having good songs but even those are few and far between.

I can’t read your band’s logo

Ok folks, here’s a biggie that is almost always, hell, let’s just say ALWAYS is referring to Death Metal bands. How am I even going to like your band if I can’t even read your logo. Logos like this

might as well be this (stack of sticks). If you’re a band with an unreadable logo, it’s probably a 75% chance that you’re music will be equally unlistenable and I feel that 75% is generous to be honest.

You have the word “core” in your band’s genre description.

Deathcore, grindcore, horrorcore, post-hardcore, pre-hardcore, how about you just call it SHITCORE. Seriously, I can honestly say that there is NO band out there that I like that even has the world “core” in their genre description. Tagging core onto genre name is just so fucking Hot Topic to me. There’s probably a damn good chance that if you have the word “core” in your genre name (settle down HARDCORE people), your “core” audience is probably an average age of 15 years old. I’m sure you’re music is also equally as lame as your cute little hairdos, heartagram tattoos, and body modifications.

The Description of your Music Sounds Ridiculously Painful

If you’re band’s music is described as things such as “an early morning napalm strike” or “… like being kicked upside the head by steal toe boots and then having it stomped on repeatedly” that I can gurantee you that I’m going fucking hate your band. Why would I want to listen to anything that sounds that fucking painful. Matter of fact, after hearing some of these fucking bands, I’d probably rather sit through an early morning napalm strike or even have my head kicked and stomped upon repeatedly.

You List The Bands You’ve Shared The Stage With

I couldn’t give a rat’s ass that you played with Slipknot once. I could care less if you played with King Diamond and the fact that you were the first band on the 3rd smallest stage on the same festival isn’t the same thing as “sharing the stage with…”. Name dropping doesn’t get you any further on my site than just being a big ass nobody does. Trust me. If you have to name drop to try and validate who you are and what you do that you probably suck really fucking bad. Seriously, Lauren Harris opened for Iron Maiden and I fucking hate her. See what I’m talking about here? Just don’t do it!

Someone in your band has a fauxhawk

I don’t think I have to say much more about this. If someone in your band has a fauxhawk, you are just as much to blame for allowing said person to even be a part of your band. Almost 99.9% of the time, fauxhawk = douchebag. Just saying. This is a known thing by the way. I didn’t make this shit up!

Metal Sucks Loves You

Metal Sucks quickly went from being one of my favorite websites to being a website that I wish I could put a gagball over and shut them up. This site loves the crappiest of the crappy bands so guess what? If they fucking love you and goo all over your band, I’m probably going to think you are as lame as Metal Sucks.

You’re signed to Victory Records

A Day to Remember, Blackguard, Emmure, Ill Nino. Yeah, I know. I don’t have to say much more do I? For some reason this label signs every shitcore band known to humanity. Aside from Sister Sin (who I love) and Reverend Horton Heat (who I don’t like but he’s not emo), this roster (look here: http://www.victoryrecords.com/artists) pretty much is a bunch of date rape lame ass emo shitcore music. So if it says Victory Records, be cautious… VERY CAUTIOUS.

Your press release brags about how many “Likes” your FB page has and how many hits your YouTube video got.

Jeremy and Crying Cummers got 2.5 zillion views on YouTube and they have over 10,000,000 likes on Facebook. Oh man. Sign me up. This band must be amazing. Nope, that is NOTHING I would ever say. If you are using “hits” and “likes” as a way to try and get people to listen to your band, STOP IT NOW! Nothing makes you look more ridiculously desperate. Besides, if I have to “like” you on FB to hear your song, if you suck I’m going to “unlike” you just as fast and then spread the word that you’re a shit band.

You list classic metal influences such as Korn, Slipknot, and Disturbed

If your band lists bands like the above mentioned as “classic” or “classic metal” you can bet your ass that you will not get a listen from me. You can also bet your ass that you don’t know a goddamn shit speck about metal music at all and you really need to start doing some homework. Any band who lists hackbands like these as “main influence” will be an influence on me to not even give your band a single listen.

You’ve done an “ironic” cover of some shit pop song.

I don’t care if you did a quirky Lady Gaga song, an obscure Prince song, or that you did an extreme emo grind core cover of some shit Miley Cyrus song. If you do stupid shit like that you’re going to get a big ass eye roll out of me and you will probably ruin any chance of me even trying to take your band seriously or even listen to any of your other stuff.