sounds great, but could you try playing this totally
It’s not like they spent any time or effort
coming up with something special, right? You’re
just being honest. It totally sounds better your
way, right?.. RIGHT?!
“We’re not playing
that set any more. We wrote new songs. Didn’t
you get the email 2 hours ago?” Everyone likes
new songs, it keeps things fresh! Maybe just a little
bit more notice next time, yeah? Maybe a band discussion
about it? Possibly? Bono is somewhat of an anomaly.
His band mates seem to like him, it’s just
the rest of the world that hates him.
Turning your volume up a tiny
bit after every song. Yeah. We noticed you. Stop
that. This is why you’re not allowed nice
Never having cash when it’s
time to pay for rehearsals. Every single week? Are
you kidding me? No, I don’t want all the loose
change and fluff from your pockets. GIVE ME FOLDING
Turning up late. To everything.
Every. Single. Time.
Do you have some sort of disease
that makes it impossible for you turn up on time?
We even developed an elaborate system where we tell
you a time 2 hours earlier than when we need to
arrive. You’re STILL an hour late.
- “Do you have a lead / plectrum
/ stand / strap / guitar I could borrow? I forgot mine.”
Once? Fine. Fair enough, everyone’s been there. Twice?
No biggie, but sort yourself out, yeah?
Seventeen times? You do own a lead, right? It’s a
pretty essential part of being in a band, you know? No,
you can’t use the one that goes to my effects pedals.
Why? Because GET YOUR OWN LEAD. That’s why.
- Replacing their takes once
they’ve left the studio. That’s fine,
don’t worry. I didn’t want to be on
this record anyway. It’s not like it’s
been funded with band money I helped make... OH
WAIT YES IT IS.
- Don't worry. We'll just stand
in complete silence while you figure out which
pedal is making the weird hum. It's not like we're
paying for rehearsal time or anything.
- Not responding to band communication,
then complaining that you don’t know what’s
going on. Oh, you didn’t get the email about
this new song? Oh, you got it, but you just didn’t
read it? That’s fine, we’ll just spend
an hour of paid rehearsal time for you to figure
it out. Why is that vein popping out of my neck?
Oh, no reason. No reason at all.
- Unplugging your equipment when
it’s still plugged in to a PA at full volume.
Oh, no no, that’s fine. I didn’t need
my hearing, anyway. Maybe you’d like to
shove a corkscrew into my ear canal while you’re
at it? Cheers, mate.
- Putting your drink anywhere near anyone’s
equipment. Yeah, sorry I kicked your drink over, pal. How
stupid of me not to see it right beside my effects pedals
at the opposite end of the stage to you. My fault entirely…
- Tuning at full volume. You know how to
turn on the mute mode on your tuner, right? Cool. Ever thought
about actually doing it?
- Drinking 5 cocktails before you hit
the stage. Oh, you think you play better when you’re
“well lubricated”, do you? You don’t.
You’re just too drunk to realise you’re out
of time and playing in the wrong key.
- Playing while people are trying to communicate
in rehearsals. Don’t worry, I love hearing the solo
to “Stairway…” when I’m trying to
figure out a cool bass line for the song we’re actually
playing. It’s not putting me off at all.
- Changing parts of songs at the
very last minute. I don’t mind sticking a key-change
in the last chorus, but to guarantee we all change to the
same key why not tell us more than 90 seconds before we
get on stage? Y’know… Just a thought.
- Insulting the sound guy. So… You
turned up late, drunk and with the wrong equipment…
but it’s the sound guy’s fault you sound terrible?
Right. Yeah. Calling them a jobs-worth isn’t going
to help, either. Keep quiet and let us do the talking, yeah?
- Insulting your audience. “Thanks,
you’ve been a terrible crowd” – Nice work.
Do you think they would have been a terrible crowd if they’d
been watching The Who?… or Bruce Springsteen?…
Or any pretty decent local band?
- Controlling everything. All the time.
Always. Okay, Putin. Is this a rock band or the Soviet Armed
Forces? Chillax, mate. I was just seeing if it sounded better
on the hat or the ride.