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By John Bohlinger
Years ago I attended a party in the Garden State that featured
a chimpanzee named Mr. Jibs as entertainment. On loan from
a local zoo, Mr. Jibs didn’t have an act or do any tricks,
but he did drink beer and smoke cigarettes—a talent
I shared with him at the time. Perhaps it’s my simian
build or the fact that collectively Mr. Jibs and I sucked
down an entire pack of Camels and many beers, but for some
reason, the two of us really connected. We spent hours beating
our chests, dancing manically to Bob Marley, holding hands
and howling our inscrutable secrets and most sincere lies
as the afternoon party turned into a blackout followed by
a nauseous, head-pounding morning on a strange floor.
I hadn’t thought about Mr. Jibs for
years until yesterday, when I read it’s illegal to give
monkeys cigarettes in the state of New Jersey. One would think
there’s not much of a chance of breaking that law, but
here I am, a repeat offender. This hazy memory made we wonder
about what other laws I’ve unwittingly broken. Ignorance
of the law does not absolve one of the consequences of breaking
the law, written or not. That being the case, it’s high
time someone actually wrote down the unwritten laws to which
all band members should adhere. I give you:
The Written Version of Unwritten Laws of
Being a Good Bandmate, First Edition.
1. In an open jam, share solos equally
with anybody who wants one.
You know that player who takes his 12-bar
solo ... and then takes your 12 bars as well? That guy is
a douche bag. Even if this person plays great, no others onstage
will hear what this solo hog actually plays over the sound
of their inner voices loudly repeating “What a doucher.
Seriously, what a complete, solo-stealing doucher.”
2. Help load and unload the gear.
You know that guy who disappears when
all the heavy lifting needs to be done, and then shows up
after the van is unloaded or reloaded? We all hate that guy.
Unless you have serious health issues, man-up and hump some
gear. (If you’re female, carry a few little things in
rotation with guys. It’s cute, it helps, and the boys
will love you for it.)
3. Be on time whenever possible.
Of course you’re busy—we
all are. But when you’re habitually late, you send a
message to your bandmates that says, “I’m more
important than you.” They will despise you for this.
Hell, I despise you for this and I probably don’t even
know you.
4. If the soundman and your bandmates
ask you to turn down, turn down.
We all want to hear ourselves, but a
good mix never comes from a volume war. Learn to compromise
or be ostracized.
5. Do your homework.
Even when we know the material, we all
occasionally make mistakes, but we make a whole lot more when
we don’t practice. Bands work interdependently like
a rowing team, professional tag-team wrestlers, or people
conducting a good orgy (I imagine). When you’re bad,
you make everybody else look and sound bad. Don’t be
the weakest link when all it takes is a bit of practice to
get you hitting the right notes.
6. If you have long road trips or share
hotel rooms, avoid food that turns your stomach into a toxic
waste dump.
Not only do your noxious methane leaks
increase the size of the hole in our ozone layer, they can
do some real damage to your bandmates’ morale and olfactory
system.
7. Music is fun, so have fun.
I’ve worked briefly with people
who are the equivalent of a human storm cloud. Just as laughter
is contagious, so is grumpiness. One sad sack can make an
onstage party feel like a funeral.
8. Be loyal to your bandmates. We all
have a family member who drives us mad.*
Amongst family, we can discuss a black
sheep’s shortcomings, but if somebody outside the family
insults our siblings, parents, uncle, etcetera, most of us
want to beat the insulter like they owe us money. That’s
the way a band should be. Argue amongst yourselves, work out
your problems, but stick up for your bandmates to the rest
of the world. There’s the family you’re born with
and there’s the family you choose. Be loyal to both.
There it is—a good start to the written
law. I’m sure I’ve missed many other unwritten
laws. To be honest, I probably drive my bandmates crazy with
my lack of self-awareness and personal glitches. I hope to
become a better bandmate. If you’re reading this at
premierguitar.com, please use the comment section to add your
own additions to the unwritten laws of bands. Maybe collectively
we can turn this list into a book—or at least a pamphlet—titled
The Written Law of Bands and make music more fun for musicians
who follow in our footsteps.
*I suspect I’m the disgrace in my
family. My sibs are all pretty awesome.
John Bohlinger is a Nashville multi-instrumentalist best
know for his work in television, having lead the band for
all six season of NBC's hit program Nashville Star, the 2012,
2011, 2010 and 2009 CMT Music Awards, as well as many specials
for GAC, PBS, CMT, USA and HDTV.
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