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TALKING WITH THE BAND
The best time to discuss anything with the
band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when
all members are singing at the same time, such as a multi-harmony
part. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your
tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around
us. Musicians are expert lip readers, too. If a musician does
not reply to your question or comment during a tune, take
this personally. Singers have the ability to sprout a second
mouth to talk with you and sing at the same time. If the singer
doesn't, it's because he is purposely ignoring you; if this
happens, immediately cop an attitude, we love this. When an
entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his head and
yell directly into his ear, holding his head so he cannot
pull away from you. This is an invitation to a friendly game
of tug of war between his head and your hands. Disregard any
respect for the musician's hearing.
REQUESTS
Musicians are expert mind readers. Only refer to
your requests with the phrase "play my song!"
We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited
database with the favorite tunes of every patron who
ever walked into the bar, so feel free to be vague;
we love the challenge. If we do not remember exactly
what tune you want, it's an intentional ploy to offend
you. Remember, entertainers live to be offensive;
we stay up all night thinking up ways to do this.
We also never get enough abuse, so any abuse that
you add will keep us in line.
If a band tells you they do
not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot
that they knew the tune or they are lying to you.
Try singing a few words for the band. If one member
halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band
will instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing
this, if the band still claims to not know your song,
just keep requesting the same song ad nauseum.
Never try to request another tune the band actually
knows. Scream your request from across the room several
times per set followed by the phrases, AW COME ON!
and, YOU SUCK!
Exaggerated hand gestures expressing
disapproval from the dance floor are a big help such
as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs
are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly
promotes you to the status of Personal Friend
Of The Band.
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If your choice of music is a complete departure
from what the crowd loves and cannot get enough of, i.e. if
they play original Blues, ignore this. Simply put a lot of
money into the tip jar to bolster your argument. This will
circumvent any lack of knowledge they have about your requested
tune. The more money with which you tip the band, the more
power you'll have to dictate what happens on stage. Feel free
to use your money to bully the band. Entertainers are notorious
fakers, and never prepare for shows. They simply walk on stage
with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive.
An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it,
so don't let them off the hook. The band and club's income
does not depend upon numbers of people patronizing the bar;
screw them. Your request is all that matters.
If a metal band had played at the club for
the last few weeks, the next band that follows will automatically
know every metal tune the previous band played, even if the
current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel
free to yell AC/DC or SLAYER!! to a band that plays strictly
originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell
for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.
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HELPING THE BAND
If you inform the band that you are
a musician in a garage band, or singer in a Karaoke
bar, be sure to let them know that you can run rings
around them and they need you in their band. In fact,
the sole reason the band has not exploded onto the
charts is because they do not have you as their big
break.
And besides, that old guy singing
the blues is just copying SRV and Clapton, in spite
of the fact that he's 63 years old. Tell the musicians
unequivocally that your mere presence as a member
of their band will save them from the depths of mediocrity,
and assure them of success beyond their wildest dreams.
This works every time.
If the band continues to refuse your
repeated demands to perform with them, stand on the
dance floor and perform with every tune they do. If
they won't let you perform with them, be disruptive.
Do everything you can to be louder than the band.
Nothing asserts your superiority like an out of tune
harmonica or vocalist, or a tambourine played out
of tempo.
Bonus Tip
For extra credit, use these instruments
in tunes that do not have them in the original recording;
musicians love to play cover tunes with instruments
that do not belong there. They will overlook how badly
you play and will wonder how they have gotten along
all these years without you.
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